Leopard Songs
by wolf guardian of light
Summary: A series of Foamy songs... Given a Tai Lung twist! ... Okay, who never saw this coming? Rated for swearing and stabbing of the eyes.
1. Fund Raising

**I can't believe I never thought of this 'ill now...**

**Tai Lung **_**is**_** the "Lord and Master" of coolness after all...**

**STAR STAR STAR STAR**

Po glanced around the plaza of the Jade Palace, a guitar slung over his shoulder. Carefully tuning it, he sat down on a nearby bench, playing a few notes.

Tai Lung walkes up, rubbing his throat.

"Attention all! I am here today... To sing for my Supper... And to collect money, for the all-mighty church of Tai Lung. What I'm doing here to day everyone..." He glances over the Furious five and mased Valley people, a slight twitch developing in his eyes. Soon... He'd convert these unbelievers...

"... Is taking donations to build the greatest monument to the Lord and Master... Me!. And of course, I don't expect you to give me money for free, so what I'm going to do, is entertain you, with song..."

_Laa!_

"So, Here we go!"

Po begins to strum on his guitar, fingers plucking the strings delicately as Tai warmed up.

_I will kill you all..._

_Nothing you can do about it._

_I will Kill you all..._

_Nothing you can do about it._

_Leopardy Wrath..._

_Leopardy Wrath..._

_Leopardy Wrath..._

_You're all gonna die!_

_You're all gonna die!_

_Leopardy Wrath!_

_Leopardly Wrath!_

Po glares at Tai who is busy looking over the crowd, growling.

"All right, fine, probably not the best song to pick, but you Cheap Bastards! Oh, oh, oh, I see... You bastards probably didn't like the message, Huh? Leopardy Wrath? No? Fuck you, right? Okay, How 'bout this one..."

Po begins to strum again, rolling his eyes.

_I am the Lord and Master..._

_You are all Bastards!_

_Worship me, or I'll stab your eyes till you bleed..._

_I am the Lord and Master!_

Po shakes his head, placing his guitar on his lap.

"Thats me you Son-of-a-Bith. Now give me money... _Money!_" He started jiggling on the spot, dancing.

"Money, Mmmm yeah..." He opened one eye, seeing if anyone was looking through their pockets. Shifu was staring at him with a gaping mouth while Tigress was being held back by an equally made, but more restrained Monkey and Crane.

"... You cheap bastards. All right, This next song I wrote is because I'm a Leopard. So Shut Up and listen you fucking bastards!"

Po face-palms himself, but pickes up the guitar once more, playing gently.

_And so I'm.._

_A Leopard._

_And you're not._

_How pathetic you are..._

_And so I'm..._

_A Leopard._

_Your not._

_You're just Rabbits,_

_And you don't know how pathetic you are._

_You don't have a spotted tail.._

_You don't have Leopardy Wrath..._

_You just build to defend,_

_While I kick some butts, _

_And You all Suck!_

Po stops playing again, looking at his fingers. He wasn't used to playing for so long, but Tai could get into a Bad Mood if he didn't get his music.

"Aw, come on! That one had a message to it, a Message! You know, How people build stuff for no reason, and all Leopards have to do is kick ass? be more nature like man! Respect the scrolls! Respect them all! And respect me..."

He caught the disbelieving looks on the crowds face and sighs.

"Ah all right, Tomorrow I will come back with a full band!"

Po's mouth falls open, hurt that Tai could think he wasn't good enough to play for him. Meanwhile, Tai just keeps talking...

"Maybe it would impress you if I had the Fucking Dragon Parade Band like Oogway! you'll pay ten gold coins to see some senile turtle at the steps, but you won't give me a brass coin?"

Po rolls his eyes and shoulders his guitar again, making his way down the steps. Tai however notices this actiona dn points viciously.

"Yeah, yeah, you walk down the stairs so you don't have ot deal with me. I hope you get his by a fucking Rickshaw!"

**STAR STAR STAR STAR**

**I feel so... Tainted...**

**All songs courtesy of Foamy, the Squirrel, with a few Leopard/China twists to them. If you haven't heard these before, Youtube has them all. Go listen, but all the swearing in this is accurate...**

**I **_**Will**_** be doing all the songs mind you...**

**Please review!**


	2. Jiggly Butt

_**Po is Fat…**_

Tai Lung opened the latest scroll from the Messenger geese and scowled. His plans for world domination was going nowhere fast, and if things weren't bad enough, Shifu had confiscated Po's guitar for a week… So no more money would be coming his way for some time…

Po then happened to wander in, rubbing his ample stomach a little, a concerned look on his face…

"I think I gained weight…"

He glanced over to Tai Lung, who could be trusted to be brutally honest, if only to put others down…

"Did I gain weight? I think I did…"

Tai lung groaned and rose his head, placing the scroll to the side and opening up a new one.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah… You're a Fat Bastard. Who cares? I'm having this issue with my Cult… I've almost conquered China, but it's a bit more difficult to reach overseas with-"

Po placed both hands on Tai's desk, forcing him to look up at the Panda. His face was a mix of worry, fear and anger.

"Really? You think I gained weight?"

Po pushed both hands off distantly, glaring at the monochromatic warrior.

"Yes… Now _stop_ obsessing over your _fat_ ass and listen…"Once again, Po interrupted, leaning said ass on the deck and twisting his neck to glance at it.

"Damn… It _is_ fat…" He tapped it and recoiled as it started to wobble…

"Ew… I have one of those Jiggly butts…"

Tai Lung's temples were beginning to pulse, an almighty headache working its way up.

"Shut the Fuck _Up_. Since when were you so insecure about how you look?" He leapt over the desk, sending scrolls flying at he jabbed the Panda's face.

"Look at your fur! Its _Disturbing_! And your personality, is one dimensional and bland…" He rolled his eyes, scooping up the fallen scrolls and laying them neatly on the desk again.

"Your _ass_ is the _least_ of your problems!"

Po rubbed his snout for a few seconds before thumping his fist into an open palm.

"Eh. I guess everyone has their moments of Insecurity… Whatever. I guess it doesn't matter…"

Sensing an opportunity to get rid of a certain Panda, Tai spoke out loudly, pointing at him viciously.

"Damn right it doesn't! If you are a fat Bastard, be _proud_ that you, are a fat bastard!" He rolled his eyes, wondering how the Panda could be so stupid as to believe him.

"There's so sense in trying to be something you aren't…"

Po looked down at himself, stroking the ample size of his stomach.

"You know… You're right. Fuck society and its obsession with idealistic beauty…."

For some reason, Tai just got a flash of bad karma washing over him. This was _not _going to turn out well… Po turned round and grabbed either cheek of his butt and shook them, sending waves of fat rolling…

"Look at my Jiggly butt! Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle! Look at it! Look at my Jiggly butt!" Tai Lung's eyes twitched as the image burning into his brain, the rippling cheeks almost hypnotising… For some reason, he couldn't look away…. And a certain tightness down below was certainly worrying him…

"Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle… Its Beautiful!"Finally, he was able to speak.

"Stop that… You're embarrassing yourself!" Po rolled his eyes and waved his hand around.

"Please. Its not like anyone can see me…"

Tai Lung glanced around, finally meeting the gaze of the people through the window; Shifu, Crane, Viper… All of them..

"Jiggle, jiggle…"

Tai blinked and unsheathed his claws, smashing the desk and roaring.

"You have the _fattest _of _Asses_… You fat Bastard!" Po had seen Tai's temper tantrums too often to be phased, and instead whacked his ass again.

"Its like Gelatine!" Tai snarled and picked up a scroll and paint brush…

"Oh… Its jiggly…"

Tai rose up the scroll on a staff, baring the Legend…

**Tai demands better scripts!**

"I like the Jiggly…"

"That's it I'm leaving! This is the worst Fanfiction _Ever made! Scripts about jiggly asses, Don't. Cut it. With me!"_

_Po ignored him, still shaking his butt…_

"_it's a Jelly butt!""Who wrote this crap?""Look at my jelly butt!""I want names!"_

"_I'm proud of my jelly butt!"_

"_Give me names! They shall feel my wrath…"_

_Tai grabbed Po's ears, ramming his face in front of him, growling loudly._

"_And you! You're the biggest disappointment since Oogway!"_

_He stalked off, pausing at the door once._

"_They're better be something good here in two weeks! I'll give you two weeks! Then I quit!"_

_With that ultimatum, he slammed the door behind him, causing several shelves to drop their delicate treasures…_

_Shifu peered round the door frame, the other furious five smirking behind him. Finally Po relaxed, glaring at a certain insect Master…_

"_Jiggly butt? We'll see just how jiggly at training tomorrow…" He glared at Mantis, bowing to the Master of the Jade Palace. Shifu chuckled, tapping him on the chin with his new staff, making him rise._

"_Hopefully, that will convince him not to do any more… Ahem… Fund Raising…" His face turned eerily twisted, a dark look in his eyes._

"_And if not… There's always plan B…"_


	3. A prince Mocked

_***Walks in cringing***_

_**Hey guys...**_

_**Erm...**_

_**Okay. Let me start of by saying, there will be no more Foamy parodies in this fic...**_

_***Ears flatten against head***_

_**I might have been angering someone I had no wish to anger... Plus, I didn't really find them all that funny myself...**_

_**But, I'm still continuing this, only with different parodies! If you'd like to see a certain Leopard made fun of, or maybe even getting revenge on a certain Panda, tell me how you'd like it, and I'll see what I can do!**_

_**For now... A certain Panda and Tiger poke fun at a Reformed Leopard's expense...**_

_**Taken from "Angel", when Spike the Vampire mocks Angel's reformed status...**_

----

Tigress couldn't concentrate on her routine this morning... Nor was she able to concentrate yesterday morning, nor the day before that, and dare she say it, she will not be able to concentrate tomorrow either. And it was all _his_ fault... That damned purple-wearing, black spotted... Heavily muscled... Highly trained...

She scowled even as she deflected a sweeping blade. After a certain point, you either had to admit it to yourself or join a monastery. And since she was never that keen on Prayer anyway, she had to give in and accept the fact... She was hopelessly, undeniably in lust with him, if not actual love.

It was that... That smirk of his. As if he knew how she felt before she did and was simply biding his time, waiting for her to come to him...

He may have convinced Master Shifu and, here the words were difficult, Master Panda that he was a truly reformed character. Hells, even s_he_ was convinced at some level. But still, he had that... Aggravating habit of commenting on his superior skills... He'll _never_ let her forget that incident on the bridge unless she could come up with something just as embarrassing... Although, she had to admit, his cocky attitude did tend to grow on you... Maybe even make you smile when you sensed his honest humour in his words. All the same, there was such a thing as taking a joke too far...

And then, her salvation walked into the training room, ready to begin his daily workout...

Letting the pillars cease their deadly waltz around her, she carefully navigated her way free and grabbed the monochromatic warrior's arm, dragging him to the side.

"Master Panda... May I have a word with you?"

----

That was a week ago. Since then, the pair had come up with a plan, not to mention enlisted the assistance of the other four Masters... Shifu didn't participate, although he didn't actually forbid them from continuing in their plan, thinking that his son needed something to pull his pride back into check. A good, hearty dose of humility, from the very warrior that defeated him, would be just the medicine he needed.

The diminutive Red Panda sat at the table, spooning Po's by now famous soup into his mouth, glancing at the door that the leopard was due to walk through in three... Two... One...

Perfectly punctual as usual, Tai walked in, settling himself down after taking more time than was necessary to wipe down his sweaty fur. Tigress made one look at the other Masters who, one after the other, made excuses to leave. Finally, Po himself left, stating that he needed to pick up some supplies for the morrow's evening meal.

The three ate in silence, a slight cough from outside making Tigress' mouth twitch upwards at the corners. With exaggerated care, she stood up and made her way outside, just as the Four Masters leaped out at her...

Tai's face froze, eyes flicking over their bodies one after the other. It was obvious what they had dressed up as, from the purple trousers - or skirt like item in Viper's case - to the painted spots on their bodies. Crane had even gone so far as to take an old rope and paint it in Snow Leopard colours, before wrapping it around his waist and letting it trail behind him.

The four advanced menacingly, making realistic growling noises at her. Biting back a chuckle, she dramatically threw up her arms and spoke to thin air...

"Oh please, won't anybody please save me?" As the four made ready to leap on to her, the Tiger Master making a realistic fake faint, another Tai impersonator leapt into the room, letting the carefully choreographed motions follow through. Eventually, he had "Defeated" the "Leopards", turning to face Tigress. Like the others, he was dressed in a purple pair of pants, his own tail extended by a rope and painted like Crane's. In fact, he had carefully stuck a set of whiskers onto his face, and wore mock claws made of wood attached to his paws, painted in blue flames much like the ones Tai had used in his battle with Shifu.

Rising to her feet, swooning rather more than necessary, Tigress swished her hips, walking up to Po. The swishing wasn't in the plan, but she was having way too much fun poking fun at the Ex-felon to stop. Gently cupping Po's chin, batting her eyelashes at him, she spoke in a husky, seductive voice, making the males, Shifu excluded, rather tight in the trouser department.

"How could I thank you, you mysterious, purple-clad hunk of a snow thing..." Po puffed out his chest, making a heroic pose with both hands on his hips and staring somewhere up and to the left of Tigress. Snuffling his snout, making the Whiskers shuffle like a regular feline's, he placed a hand in front of Tigress, shaking it slightly.

"No need little lady. Your tears of gratitude are enough for me..." The "Unconscious" attackers had to bite their paws, wings, tail, etc in order not to laugh, eyes tightly closed, tears seeping out the sides. Tai on the other hand had his mouth wide open, gaping at them like the fish in the ornamental pond in the grounds. His arms were slack, hanging at his sides, and even Shifu was chuckling to himself softly.

Po began to walk around Tigress, waving his hands dramatically, his claws falling off like planned.

"You see, I was a bad-ass Warrior once. But a Panda, and a Pesky Wuxi Finger Hold, de-clawed me, and now I'm just a big fluffy Kitty, with bad nails..."

It was too much for a certain reptile and Bird to handle. Slithering and flapping out the door, the group heard whoops of laughter echo around the grounds, nearly killing themselves with laughter. Po had to bite his lip and take several deep breaths before his face could be straight enough to continue, although he did tend to break out into wide grins at inappropriate moments. Despite the loss of two of the actors, Tigress had to go on... The look on Tai's face was simply too good to pass up, and the longer they kept him in such a state of shock, the longer they had time to run in...

"Well, there must be _some way_ I can... Show my appreciation..." She pressed against his ample stomach suggestively, swishing her tail as the pair felt Tai's golden orbs drill into them. Biting his tongue, Po pushed her away slightly, acting as dramatically as he could.

"No. Helping those in need's my job. And, working up a load of sexual tension-"

At this point, Monkey leaped up, running out the doorway and joining Viper and Crane in the grass outside, rolling and holding his splitting sides. The trio were laughing so hard, that it felt like someone was punching them in the gut, but all they could do was laugh harder, fuelled by each other's mirth. Even Po had to bite his own fist before carrying on...

"...and prancing away like a magnificent poof, is truly thanks enough..."

The diminutive insect was next, bounding away and not even bothering to hold his laughter in before it erupted at the doorway. Tai's face had rose from the slack jawed, unbelieving look to a strangely calm and somehow... Empty expression. Po was only then struck by just how dangerous this was to not only his health, but to anyone involved and anyone who overheard... And judging by how well the Palace servants gossiped, it would be certain that this story would be spread around the village by sunrise...

Tigress on the other hand either didn't notice or didn't care Tai's possible mounting fury, having way too much fun since... Well, she couldn't remember any time in which she had fun, not counting tormenting Po for those first few days. Eyes glittering with unrestrained amusement, she let the conversation run away with itself, forcing the pair to improvise on the spot.

"I understand... I have a nephew whose gay, so-"

Sensing immediate danger, Po tried to change the subject, _away_ from the Leopard's sexual preferences, but for some reason his tongue turned traitor, not able to resist the final jab it had prepared earlier.

"Say no more! Evil's still afoot, and I'm almost out of that Nancy-boy fur gel I like _So_ much..." Even Tigress could not restrain herself as Po swept his hand backwards over his head fur, imitating the daily ritual that Monkey had accidentally walked in on one day. Apparently, in order to keep the fur sleek, he needed to rub in this concoction of oils...

He demanded that no one tell the Villagers of this fact, under pain of death... Losing to a Panda had left him with only so much dignity left after all. But Po had to keep going, unable to prevent himself...

"Quickly! To the Leopard-mobile, away!"

Before Tai could recover, he leapt out the door, scooping up the still laughing Masters who were listening in to Tigress and Po ad-libing their lines, killing themselves. Monkey was holding his stomach, barely breathing before bursting out into peals of laughter once more.

"Nah, Nah, Nancy-boy!" Grabbing him by the tail, Po ran as far as he could from the Jade Palace, hoping to find some rock under which the five of them could hide for the next century or two... Just until Tai's fury had boiled down to a mere rage...

----

Tigress smirked at the monochromatic feline, swishing her hips just enough to be noticeable as she walked past him, returning to her meal. Tai's eyes followed her around the room, before with a swift farewell to Shifu, he disappeared deeper into the Jade Palace..

A flash of concern swept through Tigress, thinking that the six of them had maybe gone too far...

She needn't have been worried. As soon as the door closed over, his roaring laughter echoed within the halls of the palace, though from the outside, it did sound like a snarl of fury...

----

Tigress sat under the peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom, a smile on her face... An honest to gods smile. She closed her eyes, in perfect peace, both inner and without. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt this good... So carefree, so... Happy. Master Oogway was right, in more ways than one. Po _did_ bring peace to the valley, and to her... Though, perhaps not quite in the way he had imagined... Or who knew? Maybe he could see the future like so many of the stories that sprung up around him suggested.

When she opened her eyes, she had to clamp down with all her mental will and even then her tail twitched in betrayal. Eyes hovered just beyond hers, Tai's own bronzy-gold ones meeting her bright crimson orbs.

"Master Leopard."

"Master Tigress."

The two felines stared at each other for a few moments before Tai let his legs uncurl from the tree branch, landing on his feet through a series of complicated twists like all felines and settling down next to her. Inwardly, Tigress cringed, wondering if, after the initial laughter had passed, he had taken offence and sought her out as the ringleader of their little inpromptu performance.

All was silent for a while before Tai shifted, turning to face her slightly. As she stared into his empty eyes, his face curved upwards into a grin.

"'Purple-clad Hunk of a Snow thing'? Was that your words, or the Panda's?" For an age, the fiery furred feline remained silent, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, ready for anything that was to come her way...She may not have mastered all thousand scrolls like him, but she had most of them... She was confident she could fight him off if needed...

"Mine..." The soft, almost mewling response was more suitable for a kitten, not for a Master of Kung-fu, and yet it was the loudest voice she could muster. Clenching her fists, ready to defend herself if needs be, she opened her eyes...

Just to turn into Tai's approaching lips, pressing against hers softly, but firmly. His paws hesitated before resting on her upper back, holding her gently as the pair let their instincts take control. Eventually, the pair resurfaced for air, panting hard. Now it was Tai's turn to fear for his safety... No male, _no male_ could hope to stand before the fury of a woman... Least of all a hot-headed kung fu Master like Tigress.

It was with great shock to him then when Tigress wrapped her own arms around his back, diving back in with a deep, base need...

----

The next day, after having been convinced to return by an amused Shifu, Po and the other Masters sat in the dining hall, awaiting the return of their tormented victim... Again, he was right on time, accepting Po's outstretched offering of steamed vegetables and rice with a cold atmosphere around him. Gulping, the males and Viper glanced from one end of the table to the other where the two felines had opted to sit.

As Tai past her, obtaining a second helping, Tigress lifted her chopsticks and, very deliberately, dropped them.

"Oh dear. I seem to have dropped my chopsticks. Tai, would you mind assisting me in locating them?" The Leopard grumbled, placing his bowl on the table top and joining Tigress on his hands and knees beneath the wood. Once there, the Tigre grabbed his shoulders, pulling him into a long kiss, filled with genuine attraction and affection. Pulling away, slightly dazed, the Tiger jerked her head to the other six Masters chuckling to herself.

"How long are we gonna have to hide this?" Tai ran his paw down her spine, sending shivers over her body... The nerve attacks could do far more than just paralyse.

"Let them sweat for a while... Besides, I want to have you all to myself for just a little longer..."

By the time the two had returned to the table, a Shuddering Po was washing the dishes carefully. Raising en eyebrow, both Tigress and Tai lifted a chopstick into the air, before tossing it into the pile to be washed and walked out.

Grinning to himself, Po dried his paws and pulled out a small scroll and pen. Licking the end, he drew a large circle around a particular heading...

**Tai X Tigress**

Beneath were similar titles and with a sad, yet happy smile, he crossed out another...

**Po X Tigress**...


End file.
